It's Cringy

Go out there and be vulnerable! Lose everything and reap the benefits of working like you have nothing. Failure. It’s this decade’s anecdote to success and in ten years they’ll find out it causes cancer. 

To be fair, I see how a failure can teach an important lesson about effort, especially in this age of entitlement. I just don’t think I need these moments in my life. I’m the exception. I understand hard work (I’m currently missing a toenail, for instance), but Fate’s not so sure.

“Have you worked for it?”

“I have.”

“Do you think you’re ready?”

“I do.”

“Have you thought about how much you really want this?”

“Absolutely.”

“Think again.”

Last Friday I took a French exam that, after one hour, made me want to crawl under the desk and into my skin. My vocabulary became primal, my handwriting illegible and the only thing that could have topped it was a poorly muffled fart.

“Maybe it wasn’t that bad.”

I confused the word poupee with the word poubelle. Playing with garbage is what I said. It was cringy. It still is.

And in spite of that, I’m not dissuaded from trying again. I just don’t know how to get better. I used apps, text books, courses and tutoring. I guess I just didn’t devote enough time. But according to one of the moderators I have plenty of that.

“That’s a very mature answer,” she said encouragingly.

Aging. If I’m destined to fail than thank goodness I’ve been at least luckless at that.