Only Five Days New

Before venturing into 2016 it’s important to recognize the year behind. 2015 was good to me. I’m especially proud of hitting several milestones, goals that could not have been reached worrying over what everyone thinks.

A second epiphany came to me when my husband handed me a phone—technology that makes mine look like a walkie talkie.

“This will change my life,” I told him. “CHANGE MY LIFE.”

I will now be more productive. I will be connected to today’s youth and yesterday’s wisdom. I will respond to life’s changes faster. Opportunities like 2-for-1 hotdog deals at Ikea will not pass me by. I will be flexible. I will no longer waste an extra five minutes for the bus because I have no idea when it’s coming. Instead of spending an hour with the neighbour and her dead gerbil, I can text her my condolences and keep to a daily work routine I haven’t yet started but which is necessary to achieve my goals. 

This phone will change my life. I will drink less coffee. I will look more stylish in sweat pants. I will appear popular and competent. People will take me seriously. When I say I need to pee, they’ll know I really need to pee. I will read more and get up earlier. I will run with the blind and donate bone marrow. 

This phone will change my life. But first, I need to shop. Because a phone like mine will need a pretty new case.